The Guinness Book: World’s Biggest Waste Of Time


Jack White is super pissed at the Guinness Book of World Records.  A few years back, the White Stripes played a quick show: a literal one-note cymbal crashing affair that was taped and sent to Guinness for verification.  ‘Twas verified, and thus recorded, putting the Stripes in the Book as having performed the Shortest Concert Ever.  Since then, Guinness has been besieged by a bunch of bands claiming THEY’VE done the quickest show: essentially leaping up on stage and taking a bow.  Since this brings into question “when does a concert become a concert” (very much a Pro-Life conundrum), Guinness decided to bag the category altogether, cancelling the record.  So White is seeing red, all his effort wasted.  Wasted!  And now the Guinness officials are getting an earful from the worlds palest rocker (Record that!).  “Yes, Mr, White, your complaint is noted…”

How about the17-Hour Fist Pump?   This jamoke super glued his hand shut for the attempt.  Can you imagine how the Guinness Official felt when he got the task of reviewing the 3 flash drives of footage of superhuman Jersey Shore endurance event?  Surely a great sense of purpose in verifying this monster Time Suck.

The Worlds Largest Margarita was made in Vegas last year.  2,125 gallons of tequila, 708 gallons of  Triple Sec, 5,667 Gallons Margarita Mix, plus 22,267 limes. The drink took 6 months to plan and a few days to make.  Anybody want to wager how many flies and bees meet their maker in that Margie?  I bet a few crows took a bath in Davy Cuervo’s Locker, and maybe a couple undocumented laborers didn’t make it out either.  A watery, salty grave, on the rocks, indeed.  You could have made 181,333 12-ounce drinkable margaritas, or one disgusting one.  Congrats!

As far as the World Largest Ham Sandwich is concerned, once you slather mayo on the bread, and spend the next 6 hours constructing it in the hot Mexico sun, that sammy has turned.  What is a sandwich if it is no longer edible?  “Yes, Mr. Fook, your complaint is noted…”

In the pursuit and encouragement of making and breaking records, I believe The Guinness organization has been a real wind drag on the human race.

What used to be a fairly noble pursuit by the makers of Guinness Beer (yup, same people) to catalog the most extreme and impressive things on earth is now about 1 second concerts, fist pumps, and giant inedible sandwiches.  And take the greatest record you could possibly hold, the record of Oldest Person Ever To Live.  A real testament to the tenacity and will of Man, to suffer and survive.  Do you know how that person is enjoying their reward?  That person is dead.

 If it weren’t for the two fat ass twins riding those motorcycles from the 70’sImage  the whole book would be utterly useless.  But those twins are fucking awesome.  Or were, until they died of swallowing motorcycles with their buttholes.  Wait, another record!


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