Yo! Most likely you’re here because you’re a fan of Fook Music Mornings on KFMA.com, but for whatever reason you decided to check out FOOK ME, thanks! We’re going to talk about funny stuff, music stuff, and life stuff. I hate to start out with a WTF moment, but it’s been happening a lot lately, and it seems to happen Only In Tucson.
Only in Tucson #1:
I admit I don’t have a great name for this phenomenon: When you’re driving and you glance at a pedestrian, they catch you looking at them, and then they stare back at you like you’ve just lobbed a flaming bag of dogshit at them. In one knee-jerk stare, they’ve said it all: “You want some motherfucker? I’m right here, on the side of the road. And if you want to make an illegal U-turn and park somewhere close by, like maybe in that Petco parking lot, I will totally kick your ass. That’s right. Nobody glances at me. I own this sidewalk. How dare you.” In most cities the Ped is just your run-of-the-mill Punk, an angry young dude with nothing better to do. That’s fine; I worked landscaping once, and I didn’t like it either. But in Tucson, it’s not just the young punks that do the Pedestrian Skull Bore. PSB? Its EVERYONE.
Yesterday I had a mother whip around and give me the finger after I checked her out for a good half-second while sitting at a stop light. She was pushing her kid in a stroller past the $2.50 theatre on Oracle. I guess I had it coming.
Day before that I noticed a middle-aged guy with a shirt on with some sports team logo that I didn’t recognize immediately, so I held my gaze for an extra beat. When I looked back in the rear view, he had turned completely around, starting walking backwards, all so he could make that dual hand chop at his crotch at me. Clearly, I screwed up. I apologize.
Even Grandpa, retired and spending his golden years in the Foothills, wearing the Blu-Blockers and taking the Rascal Scooter to the Circle K for some whole milk, takes me on. He craned his neck completely around to eye-fuck me while nearly running himself into the wash. Why the hell wouldn’t I take a moment to look at an octogenarian flooring it at 13 mph with a wicker golf hat and tank top that said “Get Off My Lawn?”
And if you’re PSBing me, cut it out. I’m just trying to get home to the pool without being nailed by a speeding camera. Chill out, dicks.
Got a better name than PSB? Please comment below.